Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator