HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.