The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Become a minion. Get that bread.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it