my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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Not all heroes wear capes…
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice