A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Employees must applaud the planets.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get