I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?