How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My last name is Zilla.
lmao
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
my retirement plan is braless
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”