Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
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[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Animal poetry
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
When you kidnap a writer.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.