The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.