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Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
pep talk
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
The smoothest fall of all time
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.