Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
CAT 911: what鈥檚 the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it鈥檚 definitely a bird
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she鈥檇 dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you鈥檙e the youngest
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What鈥檚 the matter with you? You鈥檙e just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Pro tip: if you have a student鈥檚 mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 馃敟 with 馃敟
If they shoot down another flying object I鈥檓 going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I鈥檓 not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks