I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*