SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Well, that should do it
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
A friend sent me this.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”