I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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the noise i just made
yea so i messed up lol
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?