This is my favorite one of these!
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please