Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
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How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
They’re really bad with fonts.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”