I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
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Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.