My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
#dalle2
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.