Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Catering service
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.