“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.