Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
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I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Botany good plants lately?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said