excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
You Might Also Like
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth