[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX