This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?