I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
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Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.