[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough