I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money