Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white