I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.