Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..