“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I had to Stop for this
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
worst…sale…ever
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I have a type: disappointing
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing