NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside