A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
You Might Also Like
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Body by sandwich.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.