Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
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Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
How do dragons blow out candles?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open