[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
You Might Also Like
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Terribly Tuesday.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.