[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Jail
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate