Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Hit me in the face with a bird
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.