Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.