My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,