saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Love this one 😂🧟
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.