Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we鈥檙e buying takeout?
ME: It鈥檚 my warm up sandwich.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…馃槀馃ぃ馃槶馃拃馃拃
me: I鈥檓 gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I like being married but not every day.
馃槅馃槣馃槅馃槣
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
shampoo implies shampee
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks