Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town