Chicken bread
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.