just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Never ghost your hitman.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.