When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Not today
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Happy Taco Tuesday
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?