To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I can’t wait!
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.