Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.