Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
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An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Breaking news:
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!