The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
You Might Also Like
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Breaking news:
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
What the hell happened in there??