Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
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Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down